i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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