saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
