Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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