He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
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Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You did what with his pubic hair?
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