what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
