Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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