why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
