i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Randomize
