dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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