don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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