Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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