apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
