If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
