for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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