worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
