so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
