I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
