How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
