i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
