Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Fuck appropriateness.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
