Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm just crazy horny about you
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I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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