i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he fucked my hip out of place.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
