I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
