thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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