its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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