I faked an abortion last night.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
