i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
