listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
