I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i think i scared a bird with my dick
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
