Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
