she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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