I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
