i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
