he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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