i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
