I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
