Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
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whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
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I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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