I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
How external is "for external use only"?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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