Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
