My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
