Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
