she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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