I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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