It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He kissed a someone with a penis
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
