I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
