Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
MIDGETS
????
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
