I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
