After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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