Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
