I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
