It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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