his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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