I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
