I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
