Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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