I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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