Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
