dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
he's gonorrhea incarnate
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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